How to Train your Dragon

by Deannalynn Arzola

Sociopathy is a personality disorder born of environment. 
Allow me, please, to dissect the aforementioned statement.
Socio: a word-forming element derived from the Latin word, socius, meaning ally, companion and fellow 
Path: (y-noun) : a combining word derived from the Greek word, pathia, meaning feeling or suffering.
Personality: the combination of characteristics that form an individual's distinctive behavior.
Disorder: a disruption in systematic functioning.
Born: A verb meaning brought into existence.
Environment: the aggregate of surroundings, conditions and influences.

Trust me, I have a very valid reason for performing an autopsy on a seemingly simple definition. First, a little about me; I'm a motherless daughter and a survivor of maternal suicide, paternal physical abuse and what appears to be the step-monster's own warped sociological human experiment on my psyche. While I can certainly say with all honesty that my past has made me stronger, it has also fostered in me my own personality disorders. I have, however, had the opportunity to strengthen my reserve over the years and truly tap into the place, the soul of the little girl and provide her the tools she needs to live with what remains. I'm intuitive, spiritual and intelligent. I love hard when I do love and hope, while it is an evil-double-edged sword, is my religion. 

As usually does happen to me, coincidence, that is, I happened to be doing a considerable amount of research on sociopathy for a book I'm writing, when a sociopath walked into my life. I do not recall ever having known a sociopath before, hence the research, so when, let's call him Quinque blew into my life with charm and intelligence and duplicitously abhorrent and highly risky behavior, I was completely perplexed. And in regards to this relationship, I am the one who asked him out, to which, of course, he obliged, and then he didn't and then he did and then he didn't. In this interim, his subordinate was carrying his baby, unbeknownst to me and most of the world. I realized that many of the characteristics I had been studying for the book were characteristics that Quinque displayed. Here's a for instance: Quinque was in a position of leadership at my job. When I expressed my adoration for him, he responded by leading me up a not so private stairwell at the office and ravaging me with kisses. He was subsequently fired for doing the same thing with some other gals in his charge, including but CERTAINLY not limited to the aforementioned 'baby-mama'. As this was a relatively small office, pretty much everyone knew about Quinque; they had either experienced him or heard of him. When his daughter was born, it was a widely understood notion that he had, in fact, knocked up this gal who worked directly beneath him, even though she was not allowed to publicly confirm it. And here is where I want to draw a few lines...

I am positive that what I am about to say is going to spur a lot of controversy, but I am a writer and words should always spark a conversation, so here goes...

In the almost two years that I have known Quinque, he has been living with the 'baby-mama', so my story is not that of one in which I lived with a monster who destroyed my life and drained my bank account, etc...No, I am one of what I imagine to be, the side chicks. The relationship had for a while only played out in the office. There were these sporadic moments of ecstasy and then long moments of agonizing withdrawal. I watched the investigation into his "sexual harassment" lawsuit unfold right before my very eyes. I watched this drama unfold for the 'baby-mama', as well. Again, small office. I sat and observed her shock in the number of names on the suit, devastation in the subsequent outcome of a thorough investigation; ie, he was fired for sexual misconduct with several women and she still had to come into work everyday. Next, I experienced her denial, bringing their daughter into the office in a very obvious attempt to perpetuate her own myth on everyone else that she and they were a perfectly happy family, and hearing from her best friend what kind of lies he told her to explain away all of the insensitive behavior he'd been caught in the act of, and that this girl believed him. The whole dichotomy was something to see. Then I had to look at my part in that dichotomy. I had loved Quinque from the moment I saw him. By the time I realized that he was sociopathic, I was already in love. Yes, I know, this is what happens, however, the more I saw his damage, the more I loved him. It wasn't the charm, it was the negative behavior that caught my attention first. Upon my own personal diagnosis of my beloved Quinque, I loved him more. And here is why:
Socio: from the very beginning of my interactions with Quinque, he had been advocating on my behalf. He was my greatest ally in that office and he made me want to come to work everyday so that I could 'socialize' with him. He is still my buoy in an angry sea.
Path: while most, if not all sociopaths wear a mask, to me, his suffering was obvious. I easily recognized that the risky, sexual behavior at work was a tool he used to get through his day. No excuses, I think he can control this behavior; there is simply a reason for it.
Personality: Quinque is terrific with words. He is for me, anyway. Let me just say that there is a lot to be said about someone you're in love with telling you what you want to hear. He may be a cad, but he's a charming, handsome, eloquent cad and when I confronted him with his sociopathy, he listened, for forty-five minutes, and never once interrupted me. His response was shock. He accused me of my words not matching my actions, I was in a whirlwind in the midst of this midnight conversation, so I can't remember verbatim, but I told him I loved him but that I knew what he was and that, as I had said all along, knowledge is power and at least with my knowing what this personality is and why it's there would only serve to help me understand him more, and love him more. I am almost certain he did not deny my diagnosis. It took him a month to call me. He was never able to return to work after the investigation which was happening concurrently with my calling him out. That month that I did not see him was the longest period of time without him since I met him, when out of the blue, he wanted to see me. Personality...
Disorder: there was obviously something going on that wasn't purely natural. I have often felt that there was a split in Quinque's psyche at about age eight. There is a very big part of him that remains at that age. And then, it's as if there were an interruption in the adolescent process. The beguiling creature that sprouted from that split certainly is capable of making a woman fall in love with him. He's smart, college educated, he's funny, he's creative; a brilliant writer and a fine actor, he's 6'2"; commanding the greatest presence in the room, as he is almost always the tallest, and the eyes; they are green (a consistent factor in my choosing a mate throughout my life, tall, green eyes) and piercing, and he is investigative by nature, so he knows his people very well and what they need. Say what you will about sociopaths. They still know how to please you better than anyone else on earth.
Born: my sociopath is the quintessential subsequence of his environment. The question of nature versus nurture has long been an interesting debate. The more, however, that we learn about the mind, the more these hypotheses may change. His birth mother chose adoption as Quinque's path in this life. He most certainly has mother and abandonment issues; this I know from my own experience, and thusly recognized the characteristics of having existed in that type of environment. I'm not completely sure what transpired over the next eighteen years, as it is not something he discusses at any great length. I do know that he refers to his adoptive family as his siblings; also a difficult relationship for him to maintain, this I gather from him. I believe some foster care environmental factors come into play, as well. Whether or not his condition is organic or biological in nature is unknown for obvious reasons, but I don't see in him allot of the organic madness I saw in my mother.
Environment: So let's take a look at Webster's definition; the aggregate of surroundings, conditions and influences. Quinque, as we know, is a product of his environment, as are pretty much all of us. His being in that environment was through absolutely no fault of his own. I have come to know through our conversations, that Quinque has changed his environment a few times, one of the many things we share in common, and that he was married to a smart and lovely gal, she's pretty and creative; doesn't seem at all the stereotypical wife of a sociopath, and I shall not digress; I simply mean that she seems very strong and not some type of 'easier prey', or something. His current environment is terribly riddled with all of the ingredients necessary for the sociopathic/dependant relationship. 'Baby mama' is not so strong. I have known her quite personally for two years and have always thought her to be one of the cool chicks. She's sarcastic and abrupt, but in the same vein, she is passive/aggressive, backing down swiftly when confronted with said attitude. She is needlessly overweight and she refuses to accentuate any of her positive attributes. I have witnessed her kowtow to her man in almost every instance, and let me tell you, Quinque is not nice to her in front of any of us. And he's not nice to her, because he doesn't love her, as he can't, and he is no longer in love with her. He has consistently been unfaithful to her throughout their barely two year journey. He says to me that he is not in love with her. Yes, now, here in lies the dilemma of knowingly loving someone with sociopathic behavior. I utilize the 'anything you wanna hear' thing to my advantage, when I need a good strokin', so is he saying he doesn't love her because he thinks that's what I want to hear. It isn't. He is perpetually tethered to this gal via their daughter. I would certainly NOT want him to be in yet, another unhappy relationship. And that's me with my borderline personality. Nevertheless, I have watched their relationship devolve. So now, it's not a good environment for three people.

I have no choice but to deduce his behavior to his environment, both past and present. Has he really been able to change his destructive behavior and simply chosen not to? It's no more of a choice for him to remain sociopathic than it is for me to remain compelled. We are what remains. Are we to just walk away from one another because of our flaws? I am a little crazy. I sure am glad no one's really walked away from me for that. My father walked away from my crazy mother and it cost her her life. Why does all the literature to date advise a no contact declaration in terms of sociopathic personality disorder, when perhaps those of us who love them, our parents, our children, our friends, our partners should rather be advised of the proper tools in handling a loved one with a specific medical condition. I have a friend whose daughter is insulin dependent. His power is about to be shut off for lack of the ability to pay the bill. He asked the power company for a waiver, as his daughter's medication requires refrigeration, and support from his friends in his decision. I would advocate for him to the matts. She has diabetes, a chronic medical condition. Why are the mentally disabled still shunned in our society? These are our people and we're shunning them because they're sick? How's about a manual on how to love the so-called unlovable. How's about since they're the one with the disease, we advocate for them. And yes, it is a disease. The signs to look for in the act of avoidance are plethoric, yet, there are no rules on how to pick up the pieces of a life someone else shattered. You know, this isn't something reserved for the wounded, either. As a society, we absolutely should try to know every person we let into our lives, for them and for us. I have friends that I have loved that have never gotten me at all. They never tried, they just overlooked it, hoping that someday I would simply come to my senses. That, again, is what my father did to my mother. Don't get me started on the number of lives adversely affected by my father's callousness. Talk about a lack of empathy. His ability to practice empathy was ancillary to the person. For his other children conceived with the step-monster, he is apparently highly empathetic; for his mother-in-law, plagued by Alzheimer's disease, not so much. I call that selective empathy. And I am certain I am not the only victim of 'selective empathy disorder', but they never called him crazy...

I resolve never to walk away from a man I love so completely; and because I took the time to learn about his personality, his past, all of him, really, I don't have to. Over the course of twenty-two months, our friendship, relationship, trust and understanding has evolved, not devolved. We have openly discussed our insanities. Lying in bed the other day, he made a joke about the difficulties of mask wearing. We looked at each other and smiled. I felt at that moment that my beloved felt safe with me, allowing him to leave his mask of sanity at the door and just be with me and try to inhale the love I have for him. In fact, all I really have to offer Quinque is my love. And my words. Okay, and my hope and my perseverance, and my friendship and a soft place to land.

Listen, I am keenly aware that the experience gained in dealing with any specific personality or behavior is purely subjective. For me, it's been an amazing experience, I would not have it the other way around. I'm glad that I love him, and I am not too concerned with the possible fallout from that. To me, regardless the outcome, I found myself while living in this process, and it is one of the few relationships I have had that have actually evolved the more we know about one another. If they were progressing, I would still be in them. I remember saying to him once that it seemed to me we were always going backwards to the start from the result. What I mean is that we loved each other immediately and have had to go from there to the beginning. And he does love me. And he loves his daughter. And he has almost never failed to make an effort to advance my agenda, be it work, friend or lover related. And don't think I'm not dealing with a sociopath. I am. I just don't think sociopathy should be regarded as hopeless, as I have benefited considerably from the relationship. 

My point of this article is that anyone can find themselves involved with loved ones with personality or chronic medical disorders. I am hard pressed to find advice on how to NOT walk away. Considering that four percent of the population suffers from an anti-social personality, alone, one might think there might be some more literature, tools, advice on how to succeed. Where is the science on how to stay with your children, your parents, your partners? I'm sorry if it should seem that I am tilting at windmills, but that's a lot of people left behind and I'm not cool with that and neither should society be.

*Thanks to Sara McLachlan for the album cover